Heart ache and finding peace

This blog might be long...depending on how well the kids nap. I am not sure who all reads this but I am going to post my whole soul out there and talk about my current trials. Maybe it would help some- I don't know.

Gosh where to start!

It has been an extremely hard week... I had a lot of time to think this weekend and I wanted to post a blog about what has happened. I have probably felt every emotion there is. Extreme sorrow, angry, longing, peace, happiness- I've been everywhere...

On March 26th Adam and I found out we were pregnant. We were a little cautious in telling too many people and still haven't posted about it on facebook. Adam was excited as could be but I was extremely nervous and anxious about the possibility of twins again (1 in 5 chance). I took my first blood hcg test the next morning. It came back as 26 which just states- yep your pregnant! I thought it might be really high so a sure sign or not of twins. Nope have to re-do in several days to see how fast it climbs- Ok..

So Easter weekend comes and Adam's parents came to town to celebrate with us. We told his parents who were ecstatic. My Mother in Law and I even went to the maternity store to do some early shopping and I picked up a super cute dress.

Sunday night I started feeling really exhausted and starting cramping a lot and spotting bright blood. I was really worried and called the dr the next morning to find out what to do. They sent me in for another HCG. The results came back as 800. Not as high as it should be. I had my ultrasound in two days for the Wednesday so they said to take the blood test again that morning so it would be ready for afternoon appointment.
So Wednesday comes and I do my test first thing. When I get to my appointment my numbers went from 800-1400. Almost doubled so good number! While doing my ultrasound I measured at only 5 weeks although we had already known for three weeks now and I thought I was 7 wks along. Ok well, the blood work was good and no more cramping and spotting.

The next day which was a Thursday, I started an episode of intense migraines. Adam's class was canceled for the afternoon so he came home so I could go lay down in the back. They came in waves and sometimes I would feel fine. Other times I just wanted to die because the pain was so intense. My migraines are in my right jaw, ear, neck, shoulder. At the peak of my migraine I can't even lift my right arm. This lasted all through the week and and my last one was Friday/ saturday night- two days ago.


A week ago Monday the 16th I got up like normal and said goodbye to Adam so he could go to school. About half hour after he left I got an intense sharp pain in my lower abs and left side. I went to the bathroom and was bleeding extremely heavily. I went in for ANOTHER HCG test... waited and waited and waited for results. Blood kept getting heavier and clots started now- BAD sign!
I called my dr around 4 times that afternoon waiting for answers. Nothing!
That night I had a very close friend come over to give me a blessing. It was beautiful with comfort and everything had a reason.
I was still crying non- stop thinking I had lost the baby.
The next morning I FINALLY get a call from my dr with results. My blood work went from a 1400 to a 1800- in five days...It should have been in 5,000+ at this point! But the numbers went up. It didn't stay the same or go down.It gave me hope- very little- but still hope.
I went in for an ultra sound the next day to see if I needed a D&C to clear everything out or if everything was already cleared. The Dr had guessed that the stress of the migraines had caused me to lose the baby.
So he did the ultrasound and the sac was still there- and it even measured a tiny bit larger. Not enough progress for a week but it still went from 5cm to 6cm. It was still too small to see a heart beat.
The dr said I am in limbo. There's nothing we can do to stop the baby from miscarrying and nothing we can to do help it grow and get out of the funk. All we could do was wait and time would tell. I don't like trials of patience. I hate them. I was so mad at God when I left that appointment. Just give an answer! How do I grieve or rejoice with this news?!

This last weekend I had a twin mom's convention in Santa Clara. I had already paid for it and had the hotel booked so I decided to go anyways. I was exhausted and could use a good break from daily life. The first night was AWFUL. I had a migraine that lasted the entire night and tossed and turned and tried to everything to make it stop but I had no meds to help because they were home in Chico 3 1/2 hours away.
The next day a lady from my club and her two friends were ditching the workshops to go to the beach. Sounded good- lets go! I sat on the beach and meditated and felt the mist on my face, The beauty of the waved hitting the rocks, the roar of the tide. It was beautiful. It was the exact medicine I needed.
I picked up the ugliest rock I could find- which on the beach was the actually hard. I poured all my emotions, heart ache, and anger into that uneven, chipped, multi colored rock. I stared at it for about a minute and I told it everything in my heart. Then I threw it as I hard as I could into the ocean with every bit of energy I had.
It felt so liberating! I felt at peace as I sat back down and closed my eyes to soak the sun up and feel the mist.

So here is where I stand.
Yes this crap is hard and I have no clue what's going to happen.
Stressing and crying just scares Bradley and Kiersten and makes things worse.
With the amount of blood I was loosing I should have lost the baby. I was turning the toilet bowl red several times a day- tmi I know, sorry.
It sac should not have showed up on the screen of the ultrasound.
My appointment is in two days and we'll find out how much our little bean has grown.
My attitude is that I am pregnant until proven otherwise. That is the rally cry of IVF that some twin mom friends taught me.
The sac grew and my levels went up- I am still pregnant for this moment.

This was a long but I wanted to pour my heart out. Thanks for reading. I'll post another one Wednesday or after depending on results. We are praying for good news and growth!