Another hard post....

This is another very hard blog post.... Adam and I found out we were pregnant again at the beginning of June. I was very scared and unsure because it had only been a month from my D&C. I talked to my nurse about the possibility of it being old hormones that had not fully gone away yet. She said it was very unlikely it was left over hormones and that yes I was pregnant again. We really didn't tell too many people again just in case. I went to my ultrasound and just like both of my other pregnancies, I wasn't as far along as I thought I was because the baby was too small for a heartbeat. I did two HCG tests and a follow up ultrasound in a week and a half. I got my first HCG results and it came back as 17,000. I was stoked! I was so happy! My miscarriage ended at 1,800- Muuuuch better! I had only had a handful of migraines, no cramping, no bleeding- nothing. I finally told my parents after I got those results. I had to wait the whole weekend for my next HCG results. Monday comes so I call in. It only went from a 17K to 22K. Bad news- I was suppose to be in the 30's. I was crushed and confused- wasn't everything going great?? At my ultrasound there wasn't a baby. I had a an-embroyotic miscarriage where the baby dies early and gets reabsorbed but the sac still grows strong and emits tons of hormones. The sac was growing in accordance to me being 9 weeks but there wasn't a "yolk" there. My doctor said I could wait it out but it could take up to six weeks and then a D&C would be mandatory. I was having NO physical signs so I had no clue how long it would take. I wanted the D&C because I hate the waiting game. I did not have the mental strength to go through the hell I went through last time. My appointment was on Thursday and my D&C was scheduled for Tuesday. By Sunday night I was I so scared. I still had no physical proof that I had lost the baby. I still felt sick because the sac was still growing and increasing hormones. We had a friend come over and gave us both blessings and the blessing was amazing in two ways- It confirmed that I had chosen the right decision and that I required the D&C. The second thing was- hormones and dwelling on negative things create very bad results! I was becoming terrified that we weren't suppose to have anymore kids. My blessing let me know that we needed to wait but we would be blessed with more kids in the future. I tried to be as strong as possible when I went in for my procedure Tuesday at the butt crack of dawn. I talked with my nurse when I was checked in and told her all the problems of my last procedure with everyone being so insensitive. I wanted to be far from the door. No talks of babies by the nurses. Rocking chair far from me in the recovery room. I brought a book to distract me and I just did my best to see the good in things. This experience was much better. Adam didn't have finals and recitals he had to perform in so he was able to stay with me. Afterwards I went home and slept all day long. I took my pain meds this time but it was so much harder recovery! I couldn't use the restroom all day Tuesday and Wednesday was improved but not good. By Thursday night I was in serious pain and Kiersten had ran and jumped on my belly and sent me into crying pain. I took two vicodin but it didn't even touch the pain I was in. Adam took me to the ER where they catheterized me. That was the WORST pain in my life! I thought the nurse and I were pretty good buddies until then. I told her she wasn't allowed near me again after that haha. They ran several tests, cultures, ultrasounds, but things came back ok. After I was catheterized I could finally pee again so it relieved a LOT of the pain I was in. My kidneys were screaming in pain! So I came home and was told to rest and keep up my meds and make sure I go to my Dr next week. Also at the ER I found out that I had to do blood tests to follow my hormones down to zero with this kind of miscarriage. I didn't know that. I was down to 4K by now but I still have a little bit to go. I still haven't really processed this baby all the way. We gave the last baby a name and gender to grieve and accept it. This week and been so hectic and busy its hard to relax from everything and finalize things. All I know is that I KNOW that both my little babies are waiting for me in heaven. I talked to my Dad this week and he told me that my little babies were so righteous in the preexistence that they didn't need to come down to Earth to be tested. They had already earned their spots in the celestial kingdom. I like looking at it from that prospective and it gave me some comfort and peace. Well, I don't really know how to end this post. I keep this blog as my journal and I was dying to let something out of me and to write it down. I am sorry if my posts are graphic or TMI on bodily functions. Anyways. I have a testimony in my Savior. I know he is with me and guides me in life. I am so grateful for the gospel and an eternal perspective on things. I am SO grateful for blessings and probably get more than my fair share of them.